11.03.2000 - 11:38 am

Haloween has passed. I was a Ninja at the Saturday night party. I looked like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. I was killer. There was karoke at the party. I sang Panic by the Smiths and Livin' on a Prayer by or favorite sons of New Jersey. Daylight savings time. In many ways Indiana was sheltered, and while daylight savings time is not all that threatening, it's kind of weird. One say, it gets dar at 6:30, the next day it's dark at 5:30. FIVE THIRTY. That's just too early. I wonder if that has anything to do with my perpetual sleepiness. I've been getting 7+ hours of sleep per night, but I'm still a zombie the entire morning. I wake up, groggy, I hop in the shower and come to life. I get dressed and walk to carpool or the BART station, and the morning air invogorates me. Once I sit down, then I start to collapse. I have some coffee at work, but it's a long, slow slide down to lunch. I eat, then I want to fall asleep. FINALLY, about two pm, I might snap into it again. Music, for the first time here in San Francisco, is going well. I met this guy named Tim, and we have many of the same ideas and aesthetics. He plays bass. Now I need to hunt down one of those ever elusive drummers. The studio is still not setup. I can't really record anything in the apartment other than guitar or bass anyway. And I have to do that as quietly as possible. Maybe I should get a pod. HA! If I found a nice, secure practice space I'd take the gear there. Maybe I should just use my computer for a scratch pad, or get a cassette 4 track. Tired, happy. Yep.

10.23.2000 - 11:02 am

Almost two weeks to the minute since my last update. This past weekend was very similar to the weekend two months ago. I went to point reyes again, with the same group of people, plus one. The plus one was J-Me's mom. We actually made it all the way down to the lighthouse, which was much like a stairmaster in the sunshine and ocean air. Staring down made me think of how mesmerizing water can be. When I was younger and I used to play near and in creeks, streams, and rivers I'd look off bridges near the creeks, streams, and rivers. I'd look straight down off the bridge, and if the water was wide enough, anything solid on the shores would be out of your peripheral vision. Stare for a few seconds and it starts to feel like you're on a moving bridge moving over still water. That was always wonderful to me, when I could knowingly trick the perceptions of my body. When I was watching Twin Peaks these past couple of weeks, I always noticed when they'd focus on the waterfall between scenes or just before or just after a commercial. It's the same idea, mesmerized by moving water. Unfortunately, the TV isn't all that big, so it's hard (nearly impossible) to get rid of or ignore my peripheral vision. Still, whenever the waterfall scene came on it made me happy, relaxed me, and took me in. From the lighthouse view at Point Reyes, one can look down on jagged rocks close to the cliff wall. Water comes up from the ocean and surges, crashing over the rocks. It's so far down that the bigness of the situation is easily lost, and the water seems to move and foam in slow motion. The distance can make the scale seem smaller, which makes the motion seem slow. It reminded me of hugeness and scale, and of looking into the strip mine of 80 or 94 in Chicagoland that whatever band I was in would drive by whenever going to Chicago or Wisconsin. it the base of the stripmine was a semi trailer, and it looked so tiny, so far down. The mind can be so confused by scale. The mind seems to shrink huge things down. I like it when something like that kicks my mind into the realization of size. I read books of particle physics for fun, and space, cosmology, etc. All of these subjects deal with immensely small and immensely large numbers and spaces. I thought I had an okay grasp, but maybe my understanding of scope is not as developed as I thought it was. maybe my mind is not as accomplished in that sense as I thought. In other news, the band I thought I was in is taking a break. They're going on a hiatus, and while I think they will get back together, it's not 100%. I'm really missing playing music. At least my ADATs arrived today. Tonight I will hopefully clean my music room and begin to get the recording gear set up. OverModulation, the apartment version.

10.9.2000 - 11:46 am

Monday again. I still like the job, so it's not all that bad. I'm listening to Shellac MP3s, which make me feel all sneaky since Shellac doesn't like unauthorized recording. However, I've bought nearly everything by them. The weekend was quite good. Friday I got a burrito after work, bought some records (new Radiohead, Atavin, and Slavic 747, in which Sohcahtoa is thanked), and went home and watched a video. Saturday I got some keys made, and played drums with a local indie-rock band, which went really well. Afterwards J-Me and I got some dinner and went to Bottom of the Hill for a free show. After getting our asses shook by this techno meets indie rock trio we left and rented some twin peaks episodes. When I got home I had a message saying I was in the band if I wanted to be. Sunday I woke up, did the morning stuff, and then went to Point Reyes with J-Me and Jen. A fun day trip. Point Reyes is a little lighthouse on the end of a pennisula about an hour or so north of San Fran. It'd probably be a much shorter boat trip as most of the drive is doubling back. You have to go north, then turn around and go south on the pennisula. The road is crazy and twisty as hell once your on the pennisula. And there's just dairy farm after dairy farm. But I got to thinking, this landscape probably isn't that different from what san francisco was before it was settled. I began to imagine roads and buildings and people spread out over the hills of the pennisula, like graph paper and cardboard buildings. Archetectural plans like some montage in a movie. Sunday night was trivial pursuit, which I won with the answer "wayne gretzky". Then home to cap off the weekend with video games and tinkering with my computer. Fun. Relaxing.

10.3.2000 - 4:40 pm

Oh happy day. After tribulations for the past week, I finally got my burner working. It was an external burner that I bought used. then the SCSI card didn't have the right adapter. The free one that I previously got from work was fried. Anyway, I stayed up 'til 2 or 2:30 last night removing the burner from the case and mounting it inside my computer. I need more mounting hardware. Today was, quite honestly, transit hell. I leave my house at 8:15 or 8:30, and I sit and wait for the bus. I've noticed that there aren't many southbound busses on College. So I sit and sit and sit. Finally I walk. I get to the BART station about 30 seconds after a bus passes me, and in the whole sit and walk experience I counted 6 busses that passed going the other direction. I get to the BART platform just as a train is pulling away. I grab a discarded newspaper and sit and read for 15 minutes. The train comes, and I notice that it's going kinda slow. It turns out the train in front is having problems. We come to a stop just north of the 12th St station in Oakland and sit for 5 minutes. the train in front of us has a stuck door. At the 12th St. station we pick up the people from that train. So the train is now extremely packed, but at least it's moving. When I get to the Embarcadero station I shove through the people as friendly as I can, which is not very friendly, mainly due to the fact that I have to push people out of my way. The streetcar ride to work was pretty average except for the very gay, man asking everone on the bus questions about San Francisco. I didn't have many answers.

10.1.2000 - 2:50 am

I've decided to tweak with the look a touch more. Of this journal I mean. I'm just getting antsy. Tonight I saw a show. Many cute, major key based girl-pop bands. A scenster covered show, and like almost any all ages shoe, the place was hot and uncomfortable by the end. This show was in Santa Cruz by the way. I didn't see any skateboards, though. On the drive home J-Me, Sammy, and I (the show goers) passed One Infinite Loop, the Apple Computers headquarters. I was oddly excited. The desire to rock seems to be growing exponentially. I should sleep however. I'm disoriented, and I'm sure this entry is crap.

9.28.2000 - 2:25 pm

I've made my online journal thing much too complex. Now, to add, I have to move the old file and insert the new one. But I usually write on the spur of the moment, but always straight into the html document, so I feel I need to make the code changes first, and that removes most of the inspiration to write. I'm sure I'll figure something out. I like Thai food, but in moderation. I think the peanut sauce, while very tasty, sticks with you for a while, and it convinces you not to eat any other peanut sauce while it's there with you. The peanut sauces are exclusive from one another, and don't want to be cheated on. So no more Thai for a bit. San Francisco really opened up the random thought portion of my brain. Already today I've disected the Cars (the rock group), why bicycle messengers use track bikes, and my compulsion to always use the same mug here at work even though dishes are done every night and put back in the cabinet. I've had the same mug since day one. I've missed wheels. My skateboard is finally on it's way. My bike hopefully soon thereafter. I've been looking at motorcycles. I pretty much hate cars now, too. Strange what a big city will do to you. Also, it's strange because I never rode my bike or used my skateboard that much in the first place. Now, out here, surrounded by bikes, motorcycles, and skateboards, I'm constantly reminded they exist, and I miss mine. Tonight I play drums with some local indie-rock band. I'm looking forard to it, but I'm also leery of it. Hanging out with strangers. I'm not used to playing music with strangers. Or just strangers at all, in general.

09.25.2000 - 10:05 am

An oscillating weekend. Busy friday night feeling like an outsider at a glam club. Slow, restful Saturday afternoon. Busy saturday night being the sober watchdog at a party and being the BART shuttle. Slow Sunday resting and recouperating and watching movies. It's more or less daily life now. Am I missing the city? When I moved I was so excited to be here, the idea was enticing, and I love the city and the people and the trains. I find great pleasure on the subtle humming the electric BART train makes as it accelerates from a stop. I eat at neat restaurants, and I go to neat stores. But in the time I've been here I've only made it to a few shows, no museums, etc. I'm retreating too quickly to the residential life. I need to be a bigger tourist. I've been listening to the new Shellac and the Shipping News album. I miss the rock. I met a guy who plays guitar and writes songs, and our two practices already show a pattern of music that pretty much begins where I left off in Indy. I never though I had that much of a sound, but I'm finding the sound harder to escape. And this sound is not as rockin' as I'd prefer. it's not as ugent, and when I play, it's not reflecting what I'm feeling. I'm stuck with ideas, but in my old ruts and no musicians. I don't even have most of my recording gear out here, so I can't put down ideas. Still, I feel bad complaining. I've always felt bad complaining, unless it was about being sore for mysterious reasons. Now I'm sore, but it just from the walking.

09.19.2000 - 10:40 pm

Beep beep beep. We have connection at home. Sure, it's just dialup, but it's nice to have anything. I'm glad my computer still works after 3 weeks of down time and being moved across the counry. My daily life is quite different. The commute, which takes 1.5 to 2 hours of my day if you count both ways, is done mainly with me sitting. My job is one where I have to labor in a real office environment, and when I go to a show I'm a complete stranger. When I play music with people, I can't read their minds, I don't know how they play, what their feel is. I have to re-learn how to interact. The pad is a medium sized apartment, although huge by bay area standards. I miss being able to make loud noise in my house. Still, the adventure of being out here is fresh daily. It's continuing to be adventurous.

08.29.2000 - 11:00 am.

I wanted to write an entry yesterday about moving sneaking up on me. About my anticipation and excitement for the unknown. however, I also thought it'd be a good idea to re-design the daily diary page into a series of pages, and after the re-design, I lost the inspiration to write.

07.16.2000 - 3:00 am

Once again I realize just how busy my life is, yet how when I slow down, I feel useless and get depressed. Friday I drove to Bloomington for work and then played a show with Airiel. Between band practice and show arrival time, which was 6:30 to 8:30, I had nothing to do. I ended up getting coffee and walking around, which was fun and nice, but for a while I felt down and alone. Why? Today (yesterday by offical standards) Saraswati played a nice show at the fountain room. What a nice place, except I think all our loud bands confuse people. That's really quite fine with me, though. Both other bands were from Illinois (peoria and chicago), and we all went drinking afterward. Out of town bands are nice because when they're in my town, it's like they're on holiday, so they're relaxed and wanting to have fun. We all had fun. Just a few minutes ago I was turning on the stove light, the house nightlight. I looked out the kitchen window, and I could see the full moon light reflecting off the pong water. I can't remember the last time I saw reflecting moonlight, or any celestial body's light reflecting off of water. I was quite lovely, even if the pond is manmade.

07.06.2000 - 2:55 pm

My office reflects my home. Water leak. Yeesh. The air conditioner condensation drain is clogged and is currently, slowly, overflowing. I called and had the huge puddle vacuumed up, but more is coming out, and no one has returned to fix the now in pieces air conditioning unit. Oh well. I'll call again before I leave. I sometimes like living at my mom's place. It's in Noblesville, which is about 25 miles from work. This past week, once I got all my stuff moved in, it's been my motel room. I'll leave for work or whatever at 8 or 9 am, go work or whatever, go eat, hang out, blah blah blah, 'til finally I got home and get home between 12 and 1 am. I've never had the chance to set up my stuff. In fact, i've been sleeping on the floor up until last night because I had nowhere to put the stuff on my bed. It's hard condensing from 1300 square feet to 100 square feet plus 1/4 of a garage. Hell, let's go by volume. In the old place I had 15,600 cubic feet, in this one, I have 800 cubic feet in my bedroom plus maybe 200 in the garage. Fun fun fun. however, the pieces are beginning to fall into place, which is quite exciting.

07.02.2000 - 11:55 pm

Still exhausted. While I'm not a dirty person, I have certain areas of life in which I'm messy. I have periods where I organize everything on my desks at right angles. Most of the time however, everything ends up everywhere. I have a tendency to keep too much stuff and over-organize. Packing was so much trouble because I wanted to have 50 boxes, but each one would have a few items in it. Then I'd come to another item that wouldn't fit into my previous classification scheme, so I'd start a new box, then I'd look at the other boxes and wonder if maybe a few items should be in this new box. I tried to organize my stuff into the following categories: guitar gear, drum gear, studio and "other" musical gear, computer stuff, immedeate items that I'll need and want at my mom's house, stuff I'll want to move to san fran but won't need at my mom's house, and "deep storage", aka stuff I don't want to take to california but I want to keep anyway; momentos, yearbooks, etc. I re-discovered so much stuff in this move because I also wanted to get rid of a lot of my belongings. There's stuff I haven't touched since I moved into the Brookside apt, and even some stuff I haven't touched since I moved into the 964 house. I've obviously been living happily without this crap for a year or greater, but when I got to toss it or donate it, a switch gets flipped in me and I don't want to toss it. Maybe my memories are just too attached to the physical. Perhaps I'm very American in my possession of belongings? Maybe I'm just sappy and I like to hold in my hands the very same things I held in my hands when I was living the memories I'm now day dreaming about? Maybe that's why I haven't moved 'til now? This city, no matter how dry and lifeless it can be, is the location of the streets, buildings, and people that have been active in my daily life. Every time I pass 46th and college I think of the countless shows at the sitcom. When I'm on 465 south from the north side to the east side I think of going to my grandparents house every weekend and taking that route. When I pass Brebuf high school I think of winning the battle of the bands there in spring of '93. The Nora area reminds me of Derrick Hurst and driving around in his Omni. East Washington St. reminds me of all the hours in Guitartown. there are so many little memories that come back not because I'm actively thinking of them, but because they're triggered by a landmark of some sort. I think one of the reasons I've decided to move is because of Panhandle guitars, a guitar store on Fell and Divisadero in SF. I went in there, I hung out, I became an acquaintance of the owner. I found a landmark, and it's something that made san fran not just my vacation destination, but gave it a feeling of daily life. Panhandle is a physical connection to a actual life in san fran. When I travel, I think one of the things that makes my head spin is to realize that in every town I visit, many many people are currently living lives as complex or more complex than mine. It's very much the thought of a five year old, but I think it, all right? Sometimes everywhere else seems untouchable, and indiana is home. When the weight of reality hits me, even if it's kind of a dopey realization about people living lives all over the place, moving seems possible. Now, a realization of reality is hitting me, and a chance is here. But god damnit, why do I have so many attachments? Physical, emotional. So much stuff I want to take. Luckily, it's mostly music gear, which I think will be worth the effort, and maybe one box for memories, and one empty box for the future.

07.02.2000 - 1:50 am

My watch is a bitch. I just noticed that it's July first on my watch, and that's because yesterday was June 31st. But the date function is not 100% functional. Plus, when I go through this ritual every two months, the knob has become still again, probably from absorbing my lovely sweat. Maximum Gestapo played at a party tonight. We rocked, people either liked us, or didn't get the joke, but a few people had both reactions simultaneously, which was the most scary. You see, Maximum Gestapo is my fake german electronic metal band. I'm playing guitar, andrew is also playing guitar, and Jason Cavan, Marmoset drummer, is the bassist. We're also using the Alesis drum machine. So I played at a party, and it was a big party, and people liked it. Then, after the first big party, I went to another party. Both parties were PARTY type parties, and really a lot of those times I'm quite miserable. However, between the two parties, nearly all my friends were represented, and I really didn't want to sit at home alone. Maybe, if I was goal oriented tonight, I'd have gone home and gotten stuff done. Blah.

06.29.2000 - 2:30 pm

I got me a pair of skate shoes. Nothing fancy, just the Target brand for $14. I much prefer the aesthetics of big clunky type shoes or even converse all stars, but neither of those are good for skateboarding or biking. So I got me a pair of skate/bike shoes, and while not the most stylish piece of outerwear I own, they're damn comfortable; soft and squishy and firmly holding my feet in place. I'd forgotten how comfy shoes can be after years of all-stars and pay-less vinyl doc knockoffs. Moving is going well, even if it's driving me crazy. Up and back to Noblesville and lots of carrying of heavy stuff. Packing up all the gear and finding places for all my little trinkets and unclassifiables is growing more and more complex. Blah. Rent free living, however, will be nice!

06.23.2000 - 1:50 pm

I eat food. I like it. Food is good. I like eating food with my friends. Friends are good. Food is good. Good food with friends is good. Good food with good friends is really good. Granola bars are good but not as good as good food with good friends. Eating good food with good friends makes me feel more good that eating a good granola bar by myself. By the way, moving sucks and my teeth are pansy weak teeth.

06.08.2000 - 11:15 AM

Career advancement? Baring unforseen tragedies such as personal or family injury, or death, I'll be moving to San Francisco at the end of summer. Why? I've been to San Francisco twice this year. I initially thought I'd hate it. I really don't like Southern California. I really just don't see any advantage of many places over many other places in this country. Sure, Yellowstone is beautiful, but you can't really live there for many reasons. Chicago, Louisville, Madison, and Milwaukee all have aspects making them nicer than Indiana, but they also all have downsides. People live everywhere, I've lived here, and moving always offered more loss than gain. To my surprise, I really, really liked San Francisco. I thought there was a lot of hype, but there must be a reason why so many people love it. there is, and if it's hype, it's hype that also happens to be true. There are hilly narrow streets, historic buildings, big, green city parks, beaches and chilly water (not the bikini clad so-cal types), a climate from 55-80, the air feels fresh all the time, never opressive, lots of independent businesses, cheap restaurants, all varieties of people from all over the world, tons of clubs, great music stores, good radio, lots and lots of shows, and a great mass transit system. I almost didn't want to like it, but sometimes I just like things that everyone else likes, too. Plus, everyone seems to have a great computer-related job. Of course there's also the girlfriend factor. J-Me moved to indy, hated it here, and took off. We were pretty much done for, and I think I'd accepted that. I didn't like it, but I'd accepted it. But san fran still loomed large in my head so I went to visit again. I had some time by myself in the city, and I still thought it was great. I drove around and went places by myself, got more or less lost and just explored. I had fun. I knew this would be a place I'd like living in even if I wasn't involved with J-Me. So I'm in a pinch, a touchy situation where I can hurt my friends or my girlfriend (or both) depending on how I word my thoughts on this topic. I'm not moving because of a relationship, but the relationship is what makes the moving feel acheiveable, less scary, and it'll be nice to be near J-Me again. Why am I moving then? I've liked many towns, but never moved. I've never been shown that I can have a life in other towns. People complain that indy is restrictive. I never saw that, at least not until recently. People seem hungry to live in San Fran, probably becasue it can be a struggle sometimes with costs and whatnot. In indy people seem to glide by. Not my friends, which I think is why my friends are my friends. Most of my family and most of my acquaintences seem to glide by, happy, calmly, but with not furvor or passion for life. There's also music. I've been in bands for 10 years in this city. I've played most of the clubs, and most people know me. I'm a big fish in the tiny, $5.99 wal-mart fish bowl. This almost made me stay. Thinking more, I think I've reached my growth potential here. I make music with my bestest of friends who I love, but after exposed to this new frontier, staying in the same place seems so restrictive, potentially joyless. Inspriation at practices has been low, moral has been low. I figure I have 10 years left in the loud rock band world, I think I'd better try my hand at another place. My roots are deep here though, very deep and they're getting ripped out right now, it's all confusing and difficult in the music world. Life is uncertainty for Ben right now. I could move and be completely happy and enjoying my new surroundings. I could come back a failure with my tail between my legs. I just hope my close indy friends understand and forgive my if this hurts them or affects them. I want them all to visit. I'm not gone yet, but I don't want to go with a bang. I want to slip out the back door when no one's looking, the people who didn't really care will forget about me and that's fine, and the people who do care will hopefully write and call. I plan on leaving with tears and hope. My warmest thanks, and sorry for all the bad cliches.